💖 National Step Family Day 💖

Saturday, September 16 is National Stepfamily Day. According to the U.S. Census, over 50 percent of U.S. families are remarried or re-coupled. More than 1,300 new blended families form every day. And 50 percent of the 60 million children under the age of 13 currently live with one biological parent and that parent’s current partner.

 

T💖Saturday, September 16 is National Stepfamily Day. According to the U.S. Divorced or separating parents learn communication and parenting strategies in co-parenting group sessions that I facilitate. They also work out parenting agreements about how they will jointly parent their children now that they no longer live together. Many times there are stepparents involved. To help remind Censushat they no longer live together. Many times there are stepparents involved. To help remind 

group members to remain non-judgmental, we often say, “Kids don’t come with parenting manuals.”  If that axiom holds true in most cases, it is certainly true that “Kids don’t come with step-parenting manuals,” either.  Step-parenting can be a lonely road. The stepparents in our groups are quick to support each other.

The collective wisdom from the experience of generous stepparents and adult stepchildren in our groups follows.

Understand that your stepchild may be grieving about the divorce of her biological parents or your remarriage.

The child may target the stepparent with that grief. Grief takes many forms and can have many repetitive cycles. Laurie* shares, “I have a stepmom whose presence in my life has been an immeasurable blessing. We went through many painful times, especially when I was little, and she was often an unfair scapegoat and dumping ground for my disappointments. We got through it, part of a stepfamily can be really challenging, you’re coming into a place with people that weren’t part of your family before, and suddenly they’re uncles, sisters, brothers, even parents to you. How confusing must it be for people who yesterday weren’t related at all to suddenly be considered your siblings? That being said, growing up with a Stepfamily can be really rewarding, especially when everybody works together to overcome the challenges and create an amazing blended family.

 

As a couple, decide who disciplines.

Most teenagers will only respond to discipline by the biological parent whereas younger children may be receptive to the discipline of the stepparent. Be cautious about speaking for the other parent. Monica says, “Let the biological parent be the rule enforcer.” Stepparents may find that life flows more smoothly when the biological parent is the disciplinarian because that parent has known the child longer and has the reference point of how the previous household used to discipline.

Love your step child. Time is how a child measures love.

Be as generous as you can with your time and energy.  Listen a lot. Then listen some more. Cook family meals together. Learn about their interests, but not in an effort to win them over. Kids will read fake or forced interest as manipulation. Learn about their interests because you genuinely care about them. Be generous, not petty.  Ann says, “I wish I had been less selfish when my stepdaughter was young. I wish I had given to her more freely. At the end of the day, regardless of what the divorce decree says, who really cares if we were the ones buying the shoes or school clothes.”

Sandee may have summarized it best.  “The reality is, you love your spouse by loving his or her children. They don’t have to do anything to earn that love. It just is. Isn’t that the bedrock of all parenting anyway? Unconditional love.”

 

Take care of your own needs.

You cannot give what you don’t have. Taking time for yourself to recharge your batteries in healthy, nurturing ways is critical to giving all you can to your new blended family. Just as parents of young children must guard against burn out, step parents must do the same.

Raul shares that he sometimes runs errands by himself and listens to inspiring music in order to recharge his battery on the run. He comes back with a better attitude ready to listen to his stepchildren. “I also try to maintain my friendships by playing softball or watching a game with friends.”

Joe says, “My wife and I are careful to make time for each other. We have date nights or even date lunches. We meet during the day for our lunch hour away from our jobs and evening homework chores to talk as adults.”

 

Blending a family takes time.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. Many experts believe it takes approximately five years to blend a stepfamily. David L. Brasher, BCSW, a family therapist, says, “If you decide to be a stepparent, be sure to attend to the needs of your own children also.” Above all, be patient with yourself, your spouse and all the children.

There are many helpful resources for stepparents. Sometimes a counselor, pastor or family therapist can lend perspective to the process of blending a family. There are also support groups.  A few websites that are readily accessible and helpful to step parenting immediately are:  www.RemarriageSuccess.com, www.stepfamily.org and www.helpguide.org/mental/blended_families_stepfamilies.htm.

Sally shares, “I don’t know if I am a successful stepparent. I just know, my adult step children come home for the holidays and bring their children to visit me and their Grandpa. The grandkids even call me, Grandma!”

 

Blog done by:  Egypt A. Assanti {aka} Big Sister Heat of Eta Sigma Delta SL Sorority