"Alcohol is the most commonly used addictive substance in the United States: 17.6 million people, or one in every 12 adults, suffer from alcohol abuse or dependence along with several million more who engage in risky, binge drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems."
My posts on this blog have kind of evolved. *Laughs* When I first talked with Destiny about joining the blog team, I was super jazzed about picking topics that I could combine with fashion and making fashion-related posts on here, kinda like the blogging that I do on my personal blog. However, the more I started choosing topics for my posts here, the more I found myself simply choosing things I related to, and not necessarily in a fashion-sense.
So, y'all are just gonna keep getting stories from me.
Some of these stories are things I've told already on my personal blog, and others I haven't. So, you're getting a sneak peek into my head.
I don't know whether or not I should be sorry for that. Haha.
When my grandfather died, my mother kind of lost her mind a little bit.
Like, my step-dad and I don't agree on much, and we're not super close, but when he was calling ME concerned for my mother, I knew there was a problem.
She was buying cases of her beer of choice every other day or so. Because she would be out. Do you know how much is in a case?
Any time I called to talk to her, or went by to see her, she would be in some stage between tipsy and drunk-off-her-ass. Now, my mother is 55... she would've been 53 at the time... so she's not one to get drunk and "turn up!", but like... she couldn't handle life sober anymore.
"Alcoholism has little to do with what kind of alcohol one drinks, how long one has been drinking, or even exactly how much alcohol one consumes. But it has a great deal to do with a person's uncontrollable need for alcohol."
My mother's need for alcohol came from her inability to handle the feelings that came up any time she thought about her dad. Unlike when my dad died, my mom was actually really close with her dad. Like... really close. And so to lose that person in her life left this huge hole.
A hole she was trying to fill with alcohol.
... And I had no idea what I could do to help her...
Some of you may be in a situation like I was a couple years ago... and there are some things you can do and things you absolutely should not do.
How can you help?
- Learn all you can about alcoholism and drug dependence.
- Speak up and offer your support. Talk to the person about your concerns, and offer your help and support, including your willingness to go with them to get help. Like other chronic diseases, the earlier addiction is treated, the better.
- Express love and concern. Don't wait for your loved one to "hit bottom." You may be met with excuses, denial, or anger, but be prepared to respond with specific examples of behavior that has you worried.
- Don't expect the person to stop without help. No doubt you have heard it before - promises to cut down, to stop, but it doesn't work. Treatment, support, and new coping skills are needed to overcome addiction to alcohol and/or drugs.
- Support recovery as an ONGOING process. Once your friend or family member is receiving treatment, or going to meetings, remain involved. While maintaining your own commitment to getting help for yourself, continue to support their participation in ongoing care, meetings, and recovery support groups. Continue to show that you are concerned about their successful long-term recovery.
For my mother, I was lucky. It didn't take rehab or meetings. It took sitting down and having an honest conversation with her. Probably some combination of the second and third points above.
I felt like I didn't just lose one person when my grandpa died... I lost two.
Because this woman that was in various stages of drunk-out-of-her-mind was not the same woman that was my mother.
I didn't recognize her, and it terrified me. It terrified her mother.
And with a Lung Cancer diagnosis not too many months after grandpa died, grandma needed her.
That conversation had to walk a delicate line between being honest and playing a martyr, as you'll read about below... it seemed to be ok at the time. It seemed to sink in.
A good dose of reality and love seemed to work with my mother... but let's chat about some things we should NEVER do:
- Don't Preach. Don't lecture, threaten, bribe, preach, or moralize.
- Don't Be A Martyr. Avoid emotional appeals that may only increase feelings of guilt and the compulsion to drink.
- Don't Cover Up. Don't try to cover up their actions, lie, or make excuses for them and their behavior.
- Don't Assume Their Responsibilities. Taking over their responsibilities only protects them from the consequences of their behavior. You may want to protect them, because you love them, but ultimately it just winds up condoning their behavior.
- Don't Argue When Using. Arguing with a person when they are using alcohol is not helpful; at that point, they can't have a rational conversation.
- Don't Feel Guilty. You are not responsible for their behavior. It's not your fault.
- Don't Join Them. Don't try to keep up with them by drinking yourself.
I hope this is a situation that you guys never have to go through, or have to try to figure out... but if you have or if you do, then I hope something mentioned here will help you.
❤ Samineh (Tiviyah) aka Big Sister Enigmatic
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